How To Sleep

[anuran]

Because I wake up at 630 every morning, I'm in the office a good half hour before anyone else is. Marvellous. I thought I would spend this half hour sharing my secrets on having a kick-ass sleep pattern, because it's the best thing in the world.
This Is How I Do It:

1. Early to Bed.. Do you struggle to get up for work in the morning? Everyone needs between, oh, I dunno, about 5 and 9 hours sleep a night. I need about 8 or I can't function, so to be up at 6:30, I go to bed at about eleven. Some people can get by on 6 hours or less, but be warned: Maggie Thatcher Only Needed 4 Hours Sleep A Night. Seriously, you're not missing anything by staying awake until 2 in the morning on obscure websites. Or facebook. It'll still be there when you get home from work tomorrow.


2. The Snooze Button Is The Devil's Tool. Say you set the alarm for 7, and then keep hitting the snooze button until 7:45. You might be much, much, much, much better off just setting the alarm for 7:45; you would get nearly an hour's extra uninterrupted sleep rather than the fairly useless post-REM dozing you currently endure. But there is a trick to it -


3. GET OUT OF BED! COME ON! UP UP UP UP! When you first wake up, you want to go back to sleep straight away. If, instead of hitting snooze, you jump straight out of bed, after about 2 minutes of being up you'll feel fine - or at least a lot better than if you had stayed in bed. This is the only way I can get up at 4am. And it takes..


4. Will power! Apart from also being a secret force I can channel from my friend William, will power aka self control is something you do have. Yes, you do. Instead of whining "ohhh but I just can't" make yourself do it. And (most of) you do have self control, it's what stops you being on smack, telling your boss to fuck off, or sleeping with your ex-girlfriend when she's on day release. Get Nazi on your own ass. Shout at yourself. I often do. UP UP UP! COME ON! GET UP! RAAA! UP UP UP!
   
   The words "ehnnn just five more minutes" are for LOSERS. Seriously. If you jump out of bed the very second your alarm goes off, and then run into the bathroom and put your head in a bucket of icey cold water, you'll feel grand and more awake than if you spent an extra 20 minutes lying in bed feeling miserable about your shitty life.
   
   Lots of people find this hard. My friend Joe puts three alarm clocks on the other side of the room, and then just lies in bed listening to them go off. But he's doing a PhD so fuck knows. This leads me to:


5. No pain, no gain or something. As an ex-smoker, I am one of nature's most smug, self-riteous creations. Getting mastery of sleep is frickin' awesome, but it's very difficult. I managed it because I had a job where I worked so hard I fell asleep everytime I sat down, and I had to be up at 4am every morning. Had to. No choice. Sometimes I lose the power of awesome sleep, and I have to start this all over again. It's truly awful for the first month, then your body adjusts. You will feel shite getting up as soon as the alarm goes off, and then going to bed way too early the next night. You will feel shite the following day too, but if you're not sleeping right you probably feel shite anyway. It won't be for long, but make sure you do it anyway and soon you will have awesome sleep.



6. helpful tips. I don't drink caffeine after 7pm, but then again I'll happily have a whisky last thing at night. The mere fact that I have a rule - even just the one - puts my brain into the idea that bedtime approaches. Try and get a routine going that unwinds your brain. Tragically, this may mean switching off the internet. Again, only losers and really really annoying children say "ehnnn just 5 more minutes" and then throw a tantrum. Seriously, either you want to sleep properly or you want to continue being miserable. This kind of follows onto an important one:



7. Work out what is keeping you awake at night, and make it go away. Poor health (mental and physical) will fuck with your sleep pattern. General unhappiness, poor diet, drugs, drink. These will all fuck with sleep. You have to work this out on your own, tragically. Of course it's easier to sleep when you are not worrying or a nervous wreck. Let lovely, warm, welcoming sleep become a project, or a hobby, seperate it from the horrible shittiness of your life so it turns into an oasis, and you look forward to bedtime, when you light lots of candles, have some herbal tea, curl up under the duvet and read a nice book. (put out the candles before you go to sleep mind so you don't die a fiery death)



8. The Reward Although a full night's sleep is it's own reward, let me introduce you to the bestest thing ever, my most favourite thing about being alive: Power Naps. These require phenomenal skill, namely being able to go to sleep in the middle of the day for between 20 and 40 minutes. Any longer and you go into deep sleep, which you don't want. If I have been up since 4, and I need to stay awake until 11, I'll feel very tired for most of the day, so at some point I will lie down, close my eyes, and after twenty minutes spring up as refreshed as if I'd had another 8 hours. No, I don't know how it works, but it requires setting an alarm clock (see earlier), followed by cold water on face and a nice cup of tea.
   
   Another reward is that I go to sleep when I want to, and I get up when I want to. This control over a major part of my life feels brilliant, and helps massively with my overall happiness; namely, for me, I think it plays a huge part in fighting off the severe depression that plagued me for most of my life, and still does. Being in control of my sleep gives me an immense power in my life, and the security that depression doesn't rule me, I RULE ME. So there.

DISCLAIMER: This is what works for me. Of course you might be different, and still function as an amazing example of humanity. As much as I wish it, we don't live in a fascist police state under my absolute control, so while I am telling you what works for me, I am not saying that if you do not do this things you are wrong and a failure. If I didn't do these things, I would consider myself wrong and a failure, and I'm sharing them here so you can get an insight into how I have reached the stage of awesomeness I am currently at, and maybe try some of them out. Or share tips for good sleep in the comments.